WizKids’ Online Sales Website Threatens To Shut Down Businesses Worldwide

When WizKids officially launched their new online sales website on Wednesday morning, the company unknowingly kick-started an apocalypse which will inevitably lead to the death of Heroclix.

This controversial site allows players to buy highly sought-after clix like the DC Comics Heroclix: Arrow Motorcycle, the 2015 Doctor Strange LE with his D20 and similar local gaming store staples. As everyone knows, brick and mortar shops make thousands of dollars weekly selling those pieces, and with them now available online, their futures are in complete jeopardy.

“Honestly, if we can’t sell any more Marvel HeroClix: Spider Man and his Amazing Friends Team Packs, I don’t think we can afford to stay in business,” admitted Lance Offstetter, owner of Comic Central in Poughkeepsie, NY.

“My shop recently ordered fifty Marvel HeroClix: Punisher and Van sets due to the widespread popularity of retired Heroclix,” added Yu Arrdum, manager of Los Angeles’ Heroes Hideaway. “WizKids has these sets at the low, low cost of $40 plus $15 shipping, how am I supposed to compete with that?”

“Get fucked WizKids. Remember that my shop keeps this game alive,” adds store owner Ernie Enriquez Jr., who is typically known for his calm, level-headed manner and trust in WizKids’ decision-making abilities.

With gaming stores relying so heavily on sales from these popular figures and sets, it seems like only a matter of time before WizKids’ latest move leads to their collapse. Gaming stores also simply can’t compete with the convenience offered by online sales, even if WizKids’ prices are significantly higher than those they can offer.

“Yeah, I could pay $120 for a Justice League Unlimited brick at that gaming store fifteen minutes away, but I’d have to leave my Mom’s basement,” states Emmanuel Ganks. “She gives me enough allowance that I can afford to just pay the $129.99 plus $14.99 shipping from WizKids and have my clix delivered right to my door. Well, technically, right to my Mom’s door.”

To make matters even more complicated, Penny Keñya may be providing players with another reason to buy directly from WizKids rather than from their local gaming store.

“I’m not saying all the good chases will be in the bricks sold by the website… but I’m not not saying that,” said Keñya, who then looked at a non-existent camera and gave a smug, knowing grin in a manner reminiscent of Jim Halpert in The Office.