When WizKids officially announced the expected cancellation of their 2020 World Championship, the online Heroclix community immediately expressed their devastation over losing one of the game’s biggest annual events.
In an attempt to bright some light to the darkness that loomed over the Heroclix Facebook pages, Cynical Clix host Cott Scramton offered to host his very own World Championship tournament, which he could help run virtually through the gaming platform Roll20. Gamers universally rejoiced, and when this reaction inspired the Realms Open Championship to take on the event themselves, it seemed like everything was going to work out as well as anyone could hope.
Then ROC owner Howie Brock revealed the prizing structure for the October tournament, and the typically upbeat and constantly-positive Heroclix community imploded for the 217th time this year.
“I plan on hunting down whoever wins this event and ruining their lives,” noted curmudgeon Poe Pinotgrizio allegedly stated in a private Facebook message to Scrampton. “This isn’t an “official” tournament, and the winner’s friends, families and co-workers will all know that by the time I’m through with them! I’m going to be watching the Saw movies for inspiration.”
Lucas Tom Paul Ringo Von Switzerland and his fellow 14,374 Kleenix Nest members pointed out how much profit will be made by charging participants $25/each and only dishing out around $3,000 in prizing. Insider reports claim that the Inner Circle was sweating over this attempt to expose their diabolical money-making scheme, so they resorted to a measure which they typical reserve for only the most serious of situations — unleashing the organization’s hired verbal assassin, Perry Gordon.
Gordon filled various Facebook pages with dramatic insults directed towards anyone who complained about the Realms Open Championship’s 2020 World Championship. His jabs ranged from telling people that they’re not funny or good at Heroclix to promising them that they stem from a broken condom and that their parents never really loved them. Complaints briefly died down when select protesters grew to fear Gordon’s intimidating online presence, but started right back up again when they discovered that the virtual bully stands at a whopping 103 pounds when soaking wet.
Scramton again tried to save the day and resolve the discontent spreading throughout Facebook by asking in his podcast’s discussion group what should be done about the World Championship. Brock Howie took some time away from swimming in his pool of cash à la Scrooge McDuck in DuckTales to address some concerns, but the community remained clearly torn. After hours of discussion, everyone agreed that the only way to ensure complete happiness is to completely eradicate the game of Heroclix and start anew with something entirely different.
All Heroclix players will henceforth only play Pictionary. This year’s Pictionary World Championship is scheduled to take place in Memphis, Tennessee. Participants will be given free entry into the Elvis Museum at Graceland and a Con LE photocopy of one of the 2020 Ohio State Championship build sheets that we pray to God were pieces of Pictionary artwork and not attempts at writing the English language.