Lonely Man Seeks Attention From Heroclix Forums After Dating Apps Failed Him

The ongoing threat of COVID-19 is causing people worldwide to give up on their dating apps, so lonely single men are resorting to desperate measures to stay social and acquire the attention they crave.

Boston native Chris Cleverpig meant to search for “Hero chicks” on Facebook last week in an attempt to find some pictures of attractive female cosplayers to save to his phone for future use, but an autocorrect error caused him to stumble upon the online Heroclix community. Cleverpig had never heard of this game, but when he saw how quickly each post was met by responses from players worldwide, he decided that Heroclix was the answer to his recent loneliness.

Within hours, Cleverpig earned a “Rising Star” badge in 47 different Heroclix Facebook groups by asking every single question he could possibly think of. Despite never having played a game of Heroclix, inquiries such as “What clix do you hate the most?” and “Marvel or DC?” allowed him to seemingly fit in with this nerdy crowd without raising any suspicion. When Cleverpig finally ran out of questions, he took things a step further by writing bold statements about the game he had virtually no experience playing.

Cleverpig made multiple posts about non-comic book properties that could be made into Heroclix, such as South Park: Coon and Friends and Mister Rogers Neighborhood, before eventually coming to the decision (in a separate post, of course, to encourage further engagement) that “if it exists it should be clixed!”

“Every post I make gets a dozen comments, it’s amazing,” gushed Cleverpig in his Zoom interview with ClixHole. “I feel so special and popular that I outright deleted Tinder, OKCupid and Christian Mingle this morning! Not Bumble though, because we all need our fallback options.”

Cleverpig added that he’s worried he won’t be able to keep up the façade of “active and excited Heroclix newbie” for long. Multiple people have offered to help teach him the game online, but Cleverpig has dodged each of their messages with claims that he’s simply too busy engaging with the Heroclix community to actually play.

“I’m desperate, but not so desperate that I’d actually try learning this loser game,” he laughed.