Heroclix Players Bewildered By The Existence Of Windows And Doors

When WizKids introduced windows and doors to the game of Heroclix, they hoped that doing so would make map choice more significant and add an exciting level of difficulty and diversity to the tabletop game. Unfortunately, this proved to be yet another example of the company’s ignorance of their playing demographic, which consists primarily of middle-aged men who rarely experience sunlight.

According to a study conducted by top researchers at John’s Hoppin University, 54.79% of Heroclix players live in dimly-lit “studio apartments” located within the basements of their parents’ home. Over 96.3% of these players said that their dwellings do not have windows, and 41.02% players added that the only door they ever use on a regular basis is the one to the bathroom (but several said they typical don’t close that door “because why are you down here anyway Mom, I’m a grown man and need my space!”).

The idea of being able to walk through doors and see through windows has been too much for many competitors to handle, and a legion of Heroclix players have recently started speaking up against these alienating inclusions to their favorite game. As online discussions gained momentum, some suggested gathering together to protest. However, when they learned that this would require them to leave their homes via door or window, they quickly gave up on that idea.