Overseeing a Heroclix Facebook group has always been a difficult task, as moderators are regularly forced to ban questionable traders and sellers, remove overwhelmingly negative comments, and deal with questions which literally anyone with a rulebook and kindergarten-level reading comprehension skills should’ve been able to figure out on their own. Unfortunately, due to the Q3 2020 Watch List results released by WizKids yesterday afternoon, these brave and underappreciated volunteers are experiencing their greatest obstacle yet and several are already starting to crack.
When WizKids released an errata to popular Marvel HeroClix: Spider-Man and Venom – Absolute Carnage chase Spider-Man 1776 which completely nerfed his ability to reduce an opponent’s action total, competitive players raced to unload their Hamilton-inspired figures before others caught wind of his sudden mediocrity. Heroclix podcast host Donny Pawell attempted to get $100 for his Spider-Man 1776, but when his post was met by 317 laugh reacts and 42 angry reacts, countless other players made their own attempts to get as much as possible for the figure before his value plummeted even further.
Multiple moderators from the Heroclix International Exchange and Heroclix: Trade Only Facebook groups were forced to call in sick from work in order to focus on removing the numerous negative and inflammatory remarks being made on each of these posts, but that task grew increasingly difficult as the once metagame-defining chase dropped lower in value.
“One individual offered to trade his 76 for “$5 and a half-hearted handjob.” I had to go through seventeen pages of Facebook’s bylaws to see if such an offer is actually legal, but by the time I learned that it was, in fact, not… it was too late,” stated flustered moderator Zeus “Travis” Edge.
Edge removed the post so as to eliminate the evidence of potential prostitution on his page, but each time he deleted one such post, three more popped up in its place. Soon, Spider-Man 1776 owners were offering to give half-hearted handjobs if people would take their figures, as they’d spent hundreds of dollars on several copies of the chase and didn’t want the evidence of their financial missteps in their homes.
“I spent my kids’ Christmas money on five Spider-Man 1776’s just last week. Figured I could flip them and make enough profit to buy the family the new PS5,” admitted Ronda Carter. “Now, I’m just looking for a $25 Wienerschnitzel gift card.”
Pacific Northwest player Chap Burnett used his Spider-Man 1776’s as stocking stuffers for his children, but when they peeked into their stockings yesterday evening and saw the newly-underwhelming pieces inside, his kids reportedly threw a temper tantrum claiming that Santa must really hate them as even coal would’ve been more playable.
Many Heroclix competitors have accused WizKids of being the real-life embodiment of the Grinch, as their devastating erratas negatively affected an already-struggling economy so close to Christmas. When WizKids employee Penny Keñya was asked for comment on this matter, he stated he was too busy pushing back the release date of X-Men: House of X for the thirty-seventh time to respond in full.